Pickle ball?

Everyone's doing it!

Pickleball is the latest thing and gaining popularity.

Me? Well.... I've been reluctant. Resisting. Avoiding.

You see, I grew up in a large family where racquet sports were seriously high level skill and I learned REALLY early on that there is no way I can survive on the court with them.

I became the bookish one, a fabulous spectator. You can put me in front of literally ANY sporting event and I will find a way to root for the best team (sometimes picked by a favorite color, or cute player or the underdog).

I can bike or hike all day. But get on a court with others where I have to face that humiliating voice that reminds me I don't have what it takes? Easier to stay away from that one. Which I am good at. Which I have done for years.

And now?

I am asking the questions:

Is that TRUE?

Does it matter if you aren't skilled to compete at the level of your siblings?

Is that old voice holding you back from trying something that might be FUN????

I am working hard at building up "spokes in my wheel" of people/resources so that I have more to fall back on when Gary dies. He is still holding steady but a day doesn't go by when we don't talk about anticipated changes in life with the unpredictable MDS disease.

So I get brave. I find a group of ladies who welcome me into their game of pickleball. The setting and group is easy going and we laugh with the mishits or lost shots. My biggest strength seems to be that I can keep score.

Success!

That opened the door to reach out to another game in town.

Holy Shit.

They are GOOD. Serious good. Its not funny when my shot goes out.

I left that first day of play with them with my tail between my legs. I am 7 years old again.

"What were you thinking? You KNOW you suck at racquet sports. You KNOW you aren't competitive enough to play well. You KNOW you'll NEVER be as good as the others around you so just go back to your books or sidelines where you spectate. Go back to being the easy going one". Geez.

Is any of that TRUE?

Can I take care of that insecure 7 yo and let her know I am grateful for helping me find safety in my super competitive family AND not let it define or limit me NOW???

That's the trick right?

Figuring out/awareness of our underground voices that have unknowingly influenced decisions in our lives and THEN deciding how much credence/power we give them NOW.

Two days after my humiliating pickleball game, I had to go get the fleece vest I left at the court. I hemmed and hawed back and forth whether I would join in again. I mean what the fuck?? Be brave Martha. It might be FUN Martha. Be OPEN Martha.

I put on my big girl underpants, told them this is only the 4th time I've ever played this game, and asked for pointers.

AND I had FUN.

I still have that nagging 7 yo that tells me I'm not good enough at this. She is part of me that has had LOTS of time to get established with her job in my head. And now, who knew, she's learning to be open and willing to suck at something and still show up.

Who knew pickleball would be such a teacher for me?

Who knew that coaching myself would come out in all sorts of new ways?

Feeling stuck? You are NOT alone in this!

We are all in this soup of our imperfect lives.

Step by step we help each other find our way to uncover our authentic beautiful selves.

Reach out!

xo Martha

PS: The picture is of my brother Peter Redpath. Pickleball pro at the Sundial Beach Resort on Sanibel Island. He's famous! On Utube and everything!