Stress and Wine

Stress and wine.

Seems like they have been presented as a package deal.

Watch anything: movies, TV, social media and its everywhere.

Its been a hard week-you deserve a big glass of wine to unwind, relax, let go of the stress.

It is a common thing. An expected thing.

Especially with grief.

The last baby I caught after a long career of benchmark worthy stats died.

I happened to come on call in the middle of a normal multip labor and a beautiful 8 1/2 pound baby boy was born who we could not resuscitate.

As midwives we KNOW that death sometimes happens with birth. Sadly, it is part of the job that few can appreciate. But midwives KNOW.

It is never easy. Not for the family. Not for the staff. Not for us.

I knew how to support the family and gently offered time with the baby,, gave them footprints, pictures, and a separate room away from the birth center. We met afterwards. I listened. I held them.

I knew how to debrief with staff, go over all the events together to try to make sense of it.

I thought I knew how to take care of myself.

I finally let down and sobbed after reading the autopsy results: multiple internal anomalies. The baby didn't have a chance. It wasn't something I did or didn't do. How do we hold this???

That night, (no I wasn't on call) with relief, with grief, with surrendering to all the emotional holding, I so drank that bottle of wine. I woke up the next morning feeling like shit. Not relieved or less stressed. I felt WORSE.

Maybe that was the time I began to wonder if wine really was the magic relief that I had come to believe.

Drinking with stress is acceptable, Normal. Expected.

Now I know that alcohol doesn't help.

If you are in that place of KNOWING it doesn't help, but not knowing how to disentangle from it, please reach out. It is a painful place. A lonely place. And there IS a way to navigate away from it without belittling labels or missing out.

This week has been a hard week. A really hard week. My husband has a life expectancy of 1.7 years.

Previously, I thought that the glass of wine (or 5) would be my friend, my stress relief, my consolation prize.

Instead, I see how differently I feel inside, how that wine has no more draw for me.

That dear one, is freedom from something I used to go to automatically.

It can be for you too.

XO

Martha