Gifts in the midst of grief

Yesterday: a hike. The pace is slower.

Gary stops to catch his breath more frequently. The dogs are so HAPPY to be roaming the woods and fetching sticks in the water. How sweet to find these heart stones along the way.

I look back over these months in my journal and see such a pattern.

🔹Something shifts. There is a change.

My FIRST reaction is to ignore it. It will get better. No need to worry.

🔹Then, with time, or its really obvious that SOMETHING IS GOING ON- I resist. I can imagine myself holding onto a tug-a-war rope. Heels dug in. Pulling BACK as hard as I can. 🔹Only to realize: this is HERE. This is REAL. Can I SURRENDER, let go of the struggle? Can I become EMPOWERED through being real, human, vulnerable? How is it that empowerment and surrender are so intertwined?

Can I see that I am part of a bigger picture and part of the web of life where we are ALL weaving together and DON'T NEED TO SUFFER IT OUT OURSELVES?

🔹 And then, it seems, the Magic of Grace comes in. It may be in the form of an unexpected conversation, a drop by visit from an old friend, a random IG post that inspires exploration towards a new perspective.

We see that we are connected on a deep human level with those who have been before us, those who are in the thick of it with us, and those who will see the ripple effects yet unknown.

Gary is enrolled in Hospice. Each day takes on a slower more deliberate focus.

It reminds me SO much of the end of pregnancy.

The pace slows down. Interest in big gatherings diminishes. Those pesky Braxton-Hicks contractions/discomforts that come more and more, sometimes making you wonder: Is THIS IT? And telling women time after time: You will know. When it is actually happening, you will know. Be gentle with yourself. Be honest with yourself. Create simplicity in your day so that you can rest, eat well, get things ready.

The same pattern came forward when detangling the habits of alcohol.

At first:

🔹 Ignore that foggy face in the morning. "It will get better" (it doesn't does it?)  

🔹Dig in my heels: I WILL figure this out! (others have it worse than me, so I'm sure I can make this work). Set up the rules (and break them). This phase goes on a LONG time. This is where hiding happens. This is where beating ourselves up happens. This is where we think; WTF is wrong with me?

And then:

🔹 Hmmm... there IS a problem here.  I AM drinking more than I like or is good for me. I am sick and tired of that awful foggy feeling in the morning. All the things I've been doing are NOT getting me where I want to be (living a life FULL of energy, love, authenticity).

🔹 Surrender to the moment. Maybe, just maybe there IS another way of seeing the situation? Maybe I DON'T have all the answers and others might be helpful??? Surrender and empowerment intertwines.

🔹Then the magic comes in.

Maybe NOW is the time to reach out? Follow that inner voice urging you onto finding a new perspective? Maybe you will be Connected to so many others. Maybe you'll find a system based on compassion, kindness, evidence-based information about the physiologic effects of alcohol on EVERYBODY. Maybe you'll see this is not a Something-is-wrong-with-YOU problem but a substance/habit issue that is a protective response from your body/brain that is condoned culturally like no other addictive substance.

The overlap of end of life and beginning of life continues to teach me profoundly. The lessons of leaving alcohol are so mirrored in this pattern of mine.

Its a journey of life. Loss. Renewal. Hope. And holding ALL the mix of emotions and changes that come.

How human we all are....

I'm honored to be in it with you.

xo

Martha