This is such a common situation. One person in a relationship is interested in exploring their relationship with alcohol. The other one doesn't.
For me? I've been married, almost 40 (yikes) years. Alcohol hasn't been the main focus, but its always been PART of our lives. I can't recall a time when there wasn't a bottle of wine in the cupboard and a bottle of gin in the freezer. Wine for me. Gin for my husband's martinis.
How would it impact our day to day? I knew it would change things. Of COURSE it would change things. I didn't know in what ways. Truth telling: it was my biggest fear when I started the journey away from alcohol. HOW WOULD IT IMPACT MY MARRIAGE???
We can only change ourselves. Haven't I learned that a million times being married for nearly 40 years??? Here is just another presentation of the same thing.
Three things I am dedicated to:
Honoring myself.
Being honest with my husband so he can at least hear the importance of this change.
Respect his own journey as his own.
In the beginning, honoring myself meant asking him to pour me a ginger beer rather than a glass of red wine at cocktail hour if he was there before me.
It meant asking him to be my "wing man" when we were out in social situations and help keep my glass full of seltzer. I think even though he continued to drink, he was happy to have a job in supporting my exploration. He was the one seeing the recyling bin overflow with wine bottles, so he knew I was drinking more than felt good for me. Of course he knew.
Honoring myself: lots of reading, journalling, podcasts, coaching calls, owning my own inner world, exercising when I'm bitchy, fitting in meditation etc.
Honesty: Sharing my excitement, my "wins", the things that surprised me about no alcohol gets noticed. Sharing when its tricky and my new tools I'm learning all the time. Giving us both some space to take in the changes with time. With kindness. With gentleness. And of course, with the sick humor that gets us through so much.
Respecting his own journey means really knowing/feeling that we all have to do this in our own way/own time. Just as compassion, curiosity and the coaching community were the catalysts for my change, I want to extend that same compassion and trust to him. I know so well that if anyone told me "you're drinking too much" "you should stop that" "you know that's not good for you" "you know how bad it is" etc.....Pretty human to say F-off and drink MORE! (Ha, that's what the voice in my head was saying to me for a long time. And it DID make me drink more!). And too, I try, no, I am learning how to focus on the gratitude, the things I appreciate about him. Have I been taking him for granted?
I ask my husband: "how is it for you, now that I'm not drinking?"
His answers have varied: "you are so much happier", "you have so much more energy" "Look at all the money we've saved" but the most telling one: "its no problem for me because you don't judge me that I'm drinking".
OHHHH. I REALLY heard that one! That is a BIG part of respecting him: NOT JUDGING.
I still provide alcohol to my dinner guests thinking its being a good host. (There are plenty of NA options as well). Occasionally I buy the alcohol (amazing that it has no personal charge). Mostly my husband does that errand.
I wonder: "When will it be socially UNacceptable to be drinking at parties/celebrations? I remember growing up seeing packs of cigarettes laid out in special boxes for the guests of my parent's parties even though they did not smoke. Now its hard to IMAGINE promoting smoking that way. Will alcohol become the same some day? UNacceptable in day to day???
The main takeaway: do this for YOU. Get all the support you need to honor yourself, share the journey without judgement, and trust they have their own selves to tend to.
AND isn't it interesting: after 2 years of making these changes, he is having fewer and fewer days of his martinis. Just this week he asked "do you have a copy of that Annie Grace book around?".
And though my heart lightens, I am reminded its HIS thing. I simply ask: how do you FEEL now???
Its all about leaning towards that North Star of how we want to FEEL.
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