Riding the waves of stress: contracting and expanding.

It happened.

The dreaded news.

Gary's MDS is progressing. Weeks to months to live.

Almost immediately: I feel the contraction. Cancel the trip toFlorida. Share the news with only a few at first. Sit with and consider the options. Hike in the woods. Prolong the meditations. FEEL. Breathe and FEEL. Don't resist it Martha. Find the present moment gifts. Stress is a bit like labor right? It has an ebb and flow. During the intensity of the contraction: it all feels tight. Edgy. Takes WORK to release to it.

It helps to have people nearby who TRUST in the process. Contractions require presence that is CALM. Soothing. Quiet music. Gentleness. Warming teas. Calories that keep you going. Sometimes massages. Sometimes hands off. Sometimes reminders to release to relaxation. Other times getting into the tub provides almost instantaneous relief. Contractions ask us to dig deep. Stay in the moment. Surrender.

How often people try to interrupt women in the middle of a contraction only to find they can't respond? Wait for fucks sake. Wait until there is a little integration. THEN interrupt. Respect the rhythm. There is a reason and wisdom to this pattern of contraction and expansion.

Right now, we are in contraction mode. Building the cocoon. Letting it sink in. Feeling the boundaries of what has been known become luminous in its thinness between time/space. Shedding.

Is Cocooning a word? It should be. (Google tells me it is.)

Finding a safe space to stay out of the wind to go inwards. Towards change. To weave the threads that eventually create the transformation. To fall apart. Sob. Talk. Allow silence. Sit on the couch together watching mindless episodes of VEEP. Hold hands. Allow for outbursts of frustration with completely random unimportant things. Laugh at the delight of our 2yo grandson putting on all his clothes BACKWARDS. Making simple meals. Clearing the social calendar. Noticing the spring changes.

Like labor, there is the snippet of time BETWEEN contractions. There is a time of expansion when space opens for breath and release. There is time to change positions, make a different plan, regroup, evaluate what's working, see what needs tweaking. Humor returns (sometimes). That's when you can return to conversation and decision-making.

Recognizing this rhythm of contraction/expansion, ebb/flow within ourselves can be humbling, vulnerable. Something that ever so gently reveals reverence. It is such a deeply universal human experience. The time of pain can bring us to our knees. Can we also find the snippets of Grace?

Its not either/or. Its BOTH.

Things during Contraction times:

🔹 BREATHE. Catching yourself holding your breath? Me too. Most of the time I don't even realize it until I bring my attention to it. Our breath is like a magic potion that brings calm, grounding, body release, mind clarity. Box breathing: inhale for count of 4, hold for 4, exhale for count of 4, hold for 4. It resets your parasympathetic nervous system and decreases that adrenaline hit.

🔹 Focus inward. Can I set aside what other people think and ask myself: What do I actually FEEL? What do I NEED? Do I even KNOW what I need? Just starting by ASKING the question opens up connection to that inner wisdom. What would make life easier/feel better right now? As in labor, this seems to change moment by moment doesn't it? One minute its cleaning the house. The next it's clearing out the freezer. The next it's the escape to the tub or a talk with a dear friend.

Can you create quiet moments to sit with all the emotions with meditation? Prayer? Connecting to your Spiritual Truth whatever that may be, brings in the Mystery and Peace in the midst of the storm. It's where I feel the intersect between Holiness and everyday life. This is where I feel the truth of where I am in all the swirl of change. How thankful I am to be held by that Faith.

🔹Sleep. Eat well. (or surrender to the ice cream, who cares?) Be gentle with yourself. As best as you can, be gentle with yourself.

🔹 What is the priority right now? What can be delegated or just left undone? Protect yourself and your space. ONLY do what is needed rather than what you "should do" or you think others expect.

What do you do during the times of expansion?

🔹 NOTICE the pause. Drink it in with appreciation and gratitude. It always comes. How many times do we blindly pass over the moments of calm until the next wave of hardness comes? The pause is the reset. Its the time to see the resources (internal and external).

🔹 Lean into support. Call in your beloved ones- those trusted truth tellers who know and love you. Be with those people where you can be authentic. Unfiltered. Vulnerable. Imperfect. Real. Sometimes it's hard to identify who ARE those safe people in your life? Maybe its someone far away, someone who has died but you feel connected to. Maybe it's with your dogs. It all serves.

🔹 Get outside. Have you noticed the shift when you take a crying baby outside? Is it the air? The birds? I only know the profound shift that happens with even 10 minutes outside.

From a midwifery perspective, labor is here, not to break us, but to open ways towards transformation. Its a process. It takes time. It takes trust. It allows and respects the rhythm of contraction and expansion. As women, as caregivers, we hold space for others during intense and vulnerable times. Can we hold space for ourselves? Trusting the wisdom of our inner knowing as we ride the waves of stress/change?

Birth and death bring us face to face with a power that we cannot control. We can fight it. Resist it. Deny it. Try to avoid it. Gloss it over. Can we release to it? Allow space for it? Listen to the lessons of letting things be just as they are?

For now? We are keeping things REALLY simple here. All plans are on hold. We are sinking into being HOME and not traveling. Grateful for our community of caregivers/family/friends. Mostly: cocooning.

I have 3 things I focus on for now:

☀️What do I need?

☀️How can I support Gary?

☀️What's for dinner?

It is REAL. Honest. Messy. Full of tears. Wedded to the threads of our past. Letting go of any real experience with the Unknown Future.

And it is the MOST human thing.

We ALL have times of contraction/expansion.

Its my time. Is it your time too? You don't have to be alone in it. We all need connection during times of labor.

with such love,

Martha